Moleman's Epic Rap Battles 29-B: Hans' Bizarre Adventure
by MolemanNineThousand
Summary: VIDEO HERE: /watch?v cH7hIjE9YcU Part of a saga that also includes /s/10863153/1/Moleman-s-Epic-Rap-Battles-18-Hans-Vs-Gaston , /s/11027127/1/Moleman-s-Epic-Rap-Battles-29-A-Elsa-Vs-Elphaba and /s/11048552/1/Moleman-s-Epic-Rap-Battles-29-C-The-Snow-Hits-the-Fan .


_**Author's Note:** The following carries over from /s/11027127/1/Moleman-s-Epic-Rap-Battles-29-A-Elsa-Vs-Elphaba, and the joint storyline of both is concluded in /s/11048552/1/Moleman-s-Epic-Rap-Battles-29-C-The-Snow-Hits-the-Fan._

**VIDEO HERE:** watch?v=cH7hIjE9YcU

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**_Earlier that day, at a location not far away…_**

**MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!**

**PRINCE HANS…**

**…VS…**

**…PRINCE JOFFREY!**

**BEGIN!**

**• Prince Joffrey: •**

I've had my share of knocks before, but _you're_ the target of _this_ roast,

So keep your tongue from talking back, or else I'll cut it out your throat.

This ain't Blackwater, yo: from facing thee, you shan't see me deterred,

And no Clegane need be relied on as I Hound you with my words!

You're mine to torment now, like those two whores my midget uncle gave me once;

I'll carve more marks in you than that nut job the Batman saved me from!

Mom says the Game of Thrones is win-or-die, but in your case,

Your failure's brought upon our royal house of scoundrels a disgrace!

Now, here you stand upon this icy shore, and here you're gonna stay:

Amid a frigid land where Winter fell and never went away!

I thus leave you to this exile, although I'd vouched for your beheading,

While I sail back to the Isles in preparation for my wedding.

**• Hans: •**

Oh, see if I care, you spoiled-rotten bastard sack of waste;

I hope your wedding sees you strangled 'til you're purple in the face!

I swear I'll find my kingdom yet, and then your rancid lot will see,

When I'm upon my rightful throne and finally where I want to be!

…Oh, I'm not fooling anybody; my ambition's out of luck:

My royal assets stripped away, in this backwater land I'm stuck!

Perhaps it's time to be the better man, and give up chasing crowns;

Seek settlement among the natives here, and turn my life aro–_*THUD*_

_(*Bumps into a large sign as he is walking along monologuing this*)_

By Anderson, what's this I've stumbled onto; do my eyes deceive?

This sign before me shows a face all-too-familiar, and it reads:

_"The Snow Queen raps against the Wicked Witch, tonight at Icecrown Glacier!_

_Extra challengers are welcome if their coolness level's major."_

Ha! My deviousness stirs again, for though it seems contrived,

This unexpected open door has now restored my inner drive!

When I show up, this time I needn't hide what I intend to do,

And so with vengeance on my mind, my kingly quest begins anew!

**• Simon Petrikov: •**

What time is it? It's time to kick your sorry ass!

You've got an uninvited guest; your one-man-party's getting crashed!

I'm putting out a hit on you, and the assassin is myself;

Wrecking you worse than what this crown has done to my own mental health!

You'll go kablooie like a Mushroom bomb, smote by my wizard wrath;

The Cosmic Owl spoke ill of me, but you're an_ actual_ sociopath:

It's true, I never was a paragon of proper princess-treatment,

But you're douchey as my heart, and that's no Holly Jolly Secret!

Call me Evergreen: my rapping skill's in bloom all through the year!

Ice King's no Nice King on the mic; my chilling verses should be feared.

To penguins' Cheers, I'll blast your rear to Where _Nobody_ Knows Your Name,

And leave the role of Elsa's second challenger as _mine_ to claim!

**• Hans: •**

Yeah, stick to writing your fan fiction, Dr. No-Brains; you're hysteric!

Wouldn't be shocked to hear that Marceline came up with all your lyrics!

Still, to take on Elsa, I'll need all the help that I can get,

So join me on my journey, Simon, and we'll make a mean duet!

**Simon: **Well, my track record facing humans is a far cry from sublime,

And my lucid resolve to fight you's slipping anyway, so fine!

**Hans: **Excelsior! Between the two of us, she hasn't got a chance;

Perhaps I'll spare her after all and leave her for you to romance!

**• Victor Fries: •**

Cool story, bros, but that's Cold Comfort, 'cause I'm out my Arkham cell,

And here to put you both in Deep Freeze; make your lives a living Hell!

My body temperature's SubZero, but I'm in a rapping fever,

Trashing faux-humanitarians and hyper-bearded geezers!

When it comes to tragic villainy, my very name's a synonym.

No Schwarzenegger antics here; I'll keep puns to a minimum.

Your flows are more disjointed than my casting in the sixties,

And I'll shatter you like dino bones; undo your efforts swiftly.

I'll adapt to any licks I take, and school you night or day;

Even maintaining threat reduced to just a head on spider-legs!

Let there be no doubt in your minds: cross my Cold, Cold Heart of Ice,

And like that wack Walt Disney wannabe, you'll dearly pay the price!

**• Hans: •**

Now, what would Nora think of this aggression? We should get along;

Like your depiction on _The Batman_, Victor, you've got us all wrong!

**Simon:** Plus, you and I are kindred spirits, man!

**Hans:** Come join us on our quest,

To conquer Elsa's crown!

**Simon:** …And prove which cryomancers are the best!

**Fries:** Oh, why not? I've little else to do with my pathetic life;

Let's mess her up worse than a Lazarus Pit bathing for my wife!

**Hans: **A grand proposal, Mr. Fries! Now carry onwards as we sing;

Let us delay no further time, for I just can't wait to be king!

**• Aslan: •**

Put 'em up! It isn't safe _or_ good if you would try to fight this;

Aslan isn't a tame lion, nor a coward in the slightest!

You're Ridiculous as Rabadash: jackassery aplenty;

Know your train's about to crash, and you _won't_ wake up in my Country!

When I sing a song, entire worlds are prone to taking shape;

My words are deeper than the magic from before the dawn of time!

Simon here smells like Tash, and Hans is Shiftier than any ape;

Same as that sodding skeptic Susan, you three ain't no friends of mine!

I'm putting down my foot like Dufflepuds: at your weak rhymes, I scoff;

I'll send you flying across the sea and let my dad finish you off!

It's your Last Battle if you'd step to me; surrender while you can,

Or I'll slay you as I shall she whose endless Winter plagues this land!

**• Simon: •**

You've got some nerve, dude!

**Fries:** For all you know, we're just out on a stroll!

**Hans:** With due respect, your furry majesty, we share a common goal;

I'm fairly certain who this "she" is, and we're out to get her too:

'Twould be an honor if our quest could be accompanied by you.

**Aslan:** From royalty down to the humble mouse, I see the good rewarded,

As you'll be as well if you indeed help see this menace thwarted.

**Hans:** So it's settled, then! The King of Beasts will join in our adventure,

And we four shall stand assembled like the ice witch-slaying Avengers!

_**To be continued...**_


End file.
